Experimental Methods Of...

Moving Forward

2007-09-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today was about the most productive day I've had in aaaaaages. I wrote a letter to get more information on editorial internships at a local weekly, wrote a couple poems (well, late last night), and I think most satisfyingly I was able to rework my short story concept, and even though I had to start over on the first one, it practically flew out under my fingers and ended up being just about what I envisioned. A good end to the weekend, for sure. Now, another week of trying to survive the tedium of the warehouse, while using my free time to do a million and one things. At least I get a three day weekend this week, in Chicago! :D

Running with Scissors

2007-09-18T22:48:00.001-07:00

Here's an essay of a rant I wrote just trying to keep some desperate perspective before I really tear myself apart.

Some days I swear I'm just gonna explode. I can feel stress and gravity tear me apart along the lines of addiction. It's always so insidious, when it shows up I always, always mistake it for something else. Some minor happening that it uses as a cataclysmic excuse to try to destroy me. It always feels the same, though, after I get over the initial pain, I can feel the fractures, the tears, the severing of my being. My mind tears in to the same three, throbbing pieces, as if my brain was cut in half between the hemispheres, and then in half again on the left side. A knotting rupture ripples from my temple to my heart, and then on to my stomach, and it contracts like a tendon designed to pull my body together so that whatever is cutting at me doesn't have to chase down parts of me that would otherwise fly off. I hate this, I hate how it feels, how it hurts, how it hurts people I care about as my personality falls, sundered like a condemned man before a firing squad. If this happened any other time than when my brain was waking up neuroreceptor factories, I'd seek pharmaceutical assistance. I'd think I was schizophrenic, at best. Bipolar/borderline/MPD at worst. Fighting it is pointless, but I always get drawn in to a fight before I realize what my opponent really is. I feel sick in the head, chemicals coming on-line in random order make you think weird thoughts, say weird things. Right now I just want to cry, it's the only real form of protest I have available to me. The worst part is that my body knows a way to fix my mind, tape myself back together so I can function properly. It costs about four dollars, and is available on most street corners and grocery stores in America. I knew this was coming, but I got lazy. I got careless. I thought that the ease of the first few stages of withdrawal meant this wouldn't happen. Even now, it's trying to use that feeling of self-disappointment to sink it's claws in and cut me open a new wound or two. FUCK why the hell does this hit me so hard? Why do I end up just like a goddamn heroin addict?! Why the hell are these things legal? Why won't anybody stand up for us? Why won't anybody stand up for me? My only solace is that this won't last long. It might be a couple days, but, soon I'll be able to think again. Soon I'll be able to look in a mirror without wondering who that wild-eyed stranger glaring back at me is. Soon I'll be able to talk to my friends without crushing them under the weight of my need. It's so hard to not hate myself right now. The tiny thread keeping me aloft is knowing that this isn't real. This pain will pass. The grief, the anger, the dependency, is all illusory. I know nicotine is one of the most addictive substances on earth, and nobody has an easy time of quitting once they're physically addicted, but I feel so alone, so isolated, just like always. Now it's trying to prey upon my loneliness. Fucking sick monster, just leave me alone. Just leave me alone. I feel so stupid for allowing this addiction to get me again, after I went through this before. The one person who promised to be strong for me didn't realize what I was asking, and if I was any weaker than I already am, this addiction would poison my mind against anyone who couldn't handle me right now. At least I'm not that far gone, not like last time. There will be no collapse of my world, it's just getting bashed up pretty good. I wish I could sleep.

Might have to hit myself in the head with a hammer to get any peace.

2007-09-09T23:46:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to try writing, this weekend was tough in a lot of ways, it was probably stupid of me to refuse to go buy a small box of nicotine patches, so I've gone without since Saturday morning. All told there's only been three or four cravings that were strong enough to even think about. All in all, this quit seems to be progressing on a schedule at least twice as fast as the last time, and I'm positive that it's because I wasn't smoking as many cigarettes a day as I was before I quit last time, and I haven't been operating in addiction mode for nearly as long. I'd say I've been physically addicted to smoking for maybe 8-10 months now, as opposed to the 10 or 11 years I had been physically addicted before I quit the first time. So the symptoms of withdrawal are coming along in much more rapid waves, but as would be expected they're not as severe as last time either. Today is day 10, and my brain is slipping and twisting itself in very uncomfortable ways, much like it was doing around day 22 of my first quit. At least this time around I'm still able to speak English, and recognize my surroundings. I feel much more like what most people have described their mental states through various addiction breaks, as opposed to the total psychosis I felt the first time around. Of course, maybe I went through this around day 10 of my first quit, and don't remember it because of the trauma of the third week, but, comparing cravings and other benchmarks, this one really does seem much more mild.

2007-09-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of the first week of quitting again. Today I lost my nicotine patch for about two hours, I put it in a bad spot and it wound up sticking to my shirt and migrating around to the middle of my back, contact side away from my body. I only realized it wasn't in place when I started getting washed over with withdraw symptoms, cravings that the patch almost completely eliminates. Nothing can put you in a bad mood faster than walking unprepared into a situation where your body screams for you to feed it what it wants. Well, nothing except having your boss tell you that you're going to work late on Friday evening in a bid to prevent the entire crew from having to come in on Saturday, and if you fail to eliminate enough of the work load it's going to be an early morning on Saturday, no matter how late you stay on Friday. I could've cried. At least I found the patch, so between the delay of when the nicotine quit entering my blood from my skin (it keeps soaking through for at least an hour after you take off or lose a patch) and when I got it secured right-side-touching again, there was only about 90 minutes when I really had to battle myself to not kill anyone and/or seek a smoke from one of the dozen or so of my crew who smoke.

When I got home, I went right to bed, and now I wish I hadn't. I slept for maybe four hours, and now I'll be lucky if I can get back to sleep before 5 or 6 AM. To help things along, someone I can usually rely on to pick me up and help hold me together when I feel like I'm about to fly apart was having a horrible day in their own right, and my general bad mood did not mix with theirs in anything remotely resembling decency. I need more friends here in town, it's just so hard for me to find people that I can even relate to, let alone like and want to spend time with. I'm gonna go crawl back in bed and hide under the covers until it's time to go to work. At least somewhere along the path of my life I've learned how to not dwell on the fear of how bad tomorrow might be, which is almost as valuable as my natural aversion to killing myself, no matter how despicable I feel I am. Tomorrow will be better, I will find a way to make tomorrow better, if not for everyone, then just for myself.

2007-09-01T21:38:00.001-07:00

A note I keep forgetting to bring up, last Monday I asked our usual ABF driver, Joe, "What's up?" when he made his daily stop by the warehouse to drop off and/or pick up skids.

"S.O.S. Brother." He grinned at me. It's been making me wonder all week if it's coincidental that a sarcastic acronym for despising your situation bears the same elements as a desperate cry for help. I spend a lot of time lately wondering why so many people I know seem to be waiting for someone to pull their asses out of the cold, shark infested water. Not me, not anymore, at least.

Progression

2007-09-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

I just spent some time going over the archives of my blog, hoping to glean some help for this quit attempt. I didn't find anything particularly useful, but, reading where I was made me very glad to be where I am now. I think it's highly possible that in the last year I've taken some large strides towards being the person, the man that I want to be. It soothes me a bit to see the evidence, to know how much I've grown. It's still a work in progress, but, you don't notice how strong you've gotten until you get to a place where you can look back and remember the way things used to be. I'm sure I'm still breakable, I wouldn't want to be so rigid I couldn't feel. I know I'm still fallible, humans always will be. But, finding out that our emotional and psychological selves can be reinforced and honed as well as our physical selves is very reassuring. We'll see if I can keep that in mind as the nicotine works its way out of my system and my brain runs on fumes for a couple weeks. That whole thing is still really scaring me.

Suburban Survival

2007-09-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

Truthfully I'm a lot more comfortable with wilderness survival. It's easy to identify your basic needs and address them. In the less defined suburban world, sometimes just trying to figure out what's wrong is enough to make your head explode. Maybe it's just the nicotine cravings speaking. I feel like I should be upset, but instead I just have this obscure anxiousness that's making me want to run around screaming. Day one on the patch wasn't to bad, until I accidentally ripped the damn thing off, and carelessly touched the contact side with my thumb. I'm sure Murphy has a law describing how your eye always itches when you have some dangerous substance on your fingers. It turns out the warning on the box to wash your hands before touching your eyes is not just hypothetical advisory, that shit burns. Didn't hurt as much as having a lit cigarette land cherry first in your open eye (yes, I'm familiar with that sensation, too) but it did hurt more than getting a couple good-sized drops of Dr Pepper in your eye.

My pet project has sat all day without being opened even once, I'm not sure if I'll work on it at all tonight. I thought it would be a good diversion during the first couple days of this quit, but today at least, anything with structure was kinda scary. I took two or three naps, one of 'em was deep enough that I had one of the crazy ultra-lucid dreams people tend to get while taking transdermal nicotine. I remember it more than I'd care to, but thinking about it still weirds me out a little so I'm not gonna retell it.

Blogging

2007-08-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been 370 days since I touched this. Let me try to recap the year... Same old shit, same old shit, same old shit, started smoking again, same old shit, same old shit, same old shit, and now here I am.

Any potentially interesting details are waaaaay to personal for me to feel comfortable sharing.

Right now I'm as close to panic as I think I've ever been, I'm quitting smoking for good this time on Friday, my labor day weekend is going to suck, and it's scaring me. If you don't understand addiction, let me try to explain it.

When you get chemically addicted to a substance, your brain quits producing the natural compounds that it's getting artificially. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances humans fuck around with, and it's so addictive because it matches up to not just one neuroreceptor, but a whole mess of 'em. The biggest problem ones are the feel good and feel bad juices, and the muscle control juices. Ever heard someone complain about being shaky or trembling? Were they a smoker? I know that right after I smoke, I get twitchy and if I hold up a piece of paper it's impossible to read because my hand shakes so much. Thanks nicotine.

When you quit introducing a chemical that your body has grown dependent on, it takes about three weeks for your body to start producing the natural variants in significant enough quantities that you can actually tell something is going on upstairs. And I've left out explaining the associative and habitual aspects of the smoking addiction. Those are obnoxious, but it can be easy to replace the motion of smoking with candy suckers, or training yourself to watch people or listen to music instead of smoking while you're writing. I'm so afraid of this quit, because the first time I did, for whatever reason my brain didn't start spitting out the hormones it needed all at once, it turned on one or two at a time, and the first ones to come back online were not euphoric, happy juices. It was scary, there were times where I was content, watching TV with my roommate's dog, and inexplicably this huge wave of sorrow would just crash and break all over me. One time I had to go to my room and cry for about half an hour, I was just so broken up, and over nothing at all. I've always attacked problems, confronted issues, sought resolution. Knowing I'm probably going to go up against feelings that have no basis, no connection to anything scares me horribly.

That's my thoughts on addiction. In other news, this week I've started taking steps (albeit small, tiny, probably backwards steps) to get my life on track. A friend casually said something in the middle of a conversation that has just been tearing me up, pushing me to get off my ass. I know doing the things I want to do is going to be difficult without at least a framed BA sitting in my pile of worldly belongings, but I'm not afraid to try. Who knows, maybe once I start getting my feet moving in the right direction, I'll find a way to finish up college. Right now my biggest goal is to get active in my community again, I'm researching local non-profits and trying to decide who and how I want to give my time to.

Since it could be another year before I write here, I hope you all are well and will be well until we talk again!

Transportation

2006-08-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, today was finally d-day on getting my ass a new ride. I went to the local Toyota dealership to check out a yaris in person. Long story short, the idiot dealer who spoke to us convinced me to never buy a car from them in about 3 minutes. So, off to Markley Motors, who my parents, Paul, and Dave all highly recommended. The result was this 2006 Cobalt. It's fast. I love it. Yes I'll let you ride in it.

External Memory

2006-08-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

So, tonight was Keisuke's last night in Fort Collins. Tomorrow morning he'll head down to Denver and rally with the other Japanese students he traveled here with. They'll be doing a big ceremony to thank the host families and wish the kids good luck and all that. I won't be able to make it because of work, but, Kei's real host family invited my mom, and she'll be going at least.

After a big neighborhood dinner at the Texas Roadhouse, I took Kei downtown for his last bit of exposure to my world. If any of you know my friends here, you know how eager they are to welcome someone new. We've all grown pretty attached to the kid in the 10 or so days we had him. We're going to try to figure out how to get out to Kawasaki for his high school graduation in 2 years, hopefully we'll be able to get a group discount. Maybe I'll just tough out living with my parents so I can afford to jetset around the world. ^_^ Right...

On a more somber note, I still suck at goodbyes. And I hate how it seems like the way to measure a good visit is by how difficult it is to say goodbye. I'm glad I got the chance to meet him. He commented frequently about how he was amazed at how we all opened ourselves to him, but, I was never able to convince him that it was more demonstrative of his personality than ours. I don't like to do the whole misty-eyed thing, but I just wanted to get some evidence of my thoughts tonight typed out before they fade.

Have a safe journey home, Keisuke Yamamoto, we'll be waiting to hear from you soon!

2006-08-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

A quick 2am vent.

On the new movie "World Trade Center"

Oliver, Nicholas, who the fuck do you two think you are?

Told you it would be quick. :P

Accidental Hospitality

2006-08-15T00:48:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday we found out that there was a Japanese student staying next door. Through a still unknown series of misfortunes, he's been stuck at the neighbor's house with their two teenage children, and nobody else. One of the teens works full time and isn't home except to sleep, and the other won't get off the couch except to use the bathroom. It isn't a completely gloomy story though, as a family on our cul'de'sac has been taking him up into the mountains for morning hikes, and tonight we took him with us for my dad's birthday celebration up at Terry Ranch, a sprawling bison and other animal ranch/restaurant up on the Wyoming border. It was so fun, his name is Keisuke Yamamoto, and I've never had a better guest to entertain. At least, not since Dawn was here. It was a long drive, but well worth the trip, as our new friend earned the title of Cowboy by single-handedly destroying a 20 oz. T-bone cooked rare (or not cooked by my opinion), and all the other trappings of dinner. My dad seemed glad to have the company of someone who could pace him at the table, even if the kid is half his size. My Niece and Nephew adore him, and he seemed too happy to be engaged by other humans to be annoyed by their persistent attention. The adventures at Terry Ranch could take me all night to go over, so I'll paraphrase in extreme fashion. Large animals + Japanese guy who's bravely facing such beasts for the first time + small children = gutbustingly funny. After dark, and a careful perusing of the gift shop for a knick-nack for mom back in Kawasaki, we loaded up and came back to the Kramer Ranch for pie. Kei brought over some scrapbooks he had put together with family pictures and magazine clippings and gave us a tour of his home. He's seventeen and a second-year high-schooler, with designs on the prestigious KO(?) university in Tokyo as a political science major. We had all bonded pretty fast, and I was honored that he said he hoped we would be able to make it over for his graduation and to wish him luck on his entrance exams. I think tomorrow night or Wednesday after work I'll try and steal him away from his adopted families and show him around CSU's campus, then take him downtown and show him all the cafes and spots that my friends and I have occupied for years.

It's sad and kinda weird that his actual hosts won't be home until the 20th, and he leaves to go back home on the 25th, but it gives us the opportunity to play our favorite roles as tour guides.

On the drive home he told me, "You are all very nice. Americans are so nice."

"Oh, not all of us. Lots of people here like to keep to themselves, mind their own business."

"It's not like back home, everyone is a secret. I like the American way better."

I was tickled. So, not all foreigners hate us, just most do. I hope we have the decency to elect a president who'll work to undo Bush's legacy. I get so delusional when I'm in a good mood.

Monthly Update

2006-08-09T02:08:00.000-07:00

You ever get that feeling like everything is going ok... Like, toooo ok? You feel comfortable for a minute or two and then your skin starts to crawl. Some people might call it paranoia, I call it 'The Way Things Are'.

I guess it was two or three weeks ago things started to get weird. On consecutive days, my monitor exploded and sent sparks and flame all over my bedroom, my car faked a seized engine (though it's still inoperable because the vehicle isn't worth the cost to repair the real engine trouble it's having), and I had the worst allergic reaction to a still unknown substance in my life, bad enough a friend and my sister wanted me to get medical attention (I just wound up eating half a bottle of benadryl and slept it off). Aside from the beautiful real-life interpretation of a Shakespearean comedy of errors, it made me realize things are never as good as you think, and Murphy was right. At least nothing ultimately important or life threatening has happened to me. But every time I try to engage my brain I just wind up making myself more confused and/or paranoid. Maybe I just need to find some sort of spiritual exercises that don't clash with my fierce distaste of all things religious. I'm not a big fan of holistic things, either. Guess I'm fucked, so I should try to get back to sleep.

Three Months

2006-06-12T01:21:00.000-07:00

I guess that isn't as long of an absence as I usually take. I don't know if anybody even checks by here anymore. It's been... an experience, these 3 months. I've been filling all of my free time with videogames, but that's going to slow down soon. I miss writing, I miss creating, so, I'll be doing that more as soon as I can get my head in the right place. If you do still peek here to see if I'm still alive, say hi, or drop me an email and let me know how you are!

2006-03-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't have energy to do any work on my novel right after work, and then after dinner I couldn't muster the motivation to leave the couch, Boston Legal was on, and my mom insinuated she wanted me to watch it with her, but, now after a late-night grocery shopping trip, it's time to get to work. Bottled mocha frappuccino will get me through!

Productivity

2006-03-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

So, last night, despite lost time to restoring the internet access at home, finishing a torrent download of the Fullmetal Alchemist movie and watching it, I actually made some progress on the new book! OMGWTF I know, it's crazy thinking of me actually doing something methodical and productive, huh? It isn't like I started writing or anything, and I didn't meet the goal I set for myself earlier yesterday, but, then again I didn't know I was going to have to play house tech and play around with modem and router configurations I've never seen before, but, I did get 5 character studies written out. I want to have at least 20 before I select main characters, and 30 or more before I start writing. Tonight I'm shooting for 5 more studies and to start the basic outline, where I cover themes and goals for the story. I know some of you may be saying, "Written character studies, what the fuck?" but, it's a literary technique I learned maybe four years ago where-in you write up mini-bios on as many characters as you can, and use those as your casting for your story. For those of you who have roleplayed, and I think that's probably everyone who reads this page, it's like rolling five or six characters for each player in a game before deciding on which you want to stick with. Simple idea, huh? I have no idea why it was never discussed in any of my comp or lit classes back when I went to school, I'll have to take a creative writing class or something at CSU this summer and see if it's taught nowadays.

Anyway, there's my lunch-time rant, I know you all missed them. Now it's back to work. :P

Technology rules. i'm posting this

2006-03-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

Technology rules. i'm posting this entry from my phone. i hate mondays. the phone is a little useful since we have no net at home

Addiction is a Bitch

2006-03-12T04:12:00.000-07:00

And I want a cigarette so bad... I'm gonna go pace around the house for a while, maybe do pushups until I pass out or something. Addiction sucks, today is the 70th day I've been smoke free, I haven't cheated at all, not one drag, I haven't even held a smoke... but right now I'm lookin at the pile of change on my dresser trying to not go over and count it to see if there's enough for a pack of cheap smokes. This sucks, so bad.

Pre-spring Cleaning

2006-03-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to quit World of Warcraft to give me more time to write and get back into photography and drawing. So, in theory, that should give me an average of 30-50 hours a week to create things with... hehe we'll see. I'm gonna get myself a toy or two. Long post later, Ron White's on the television.

Slacktastic Procrastibastard

2006-03-06T01:14:00.000-07:00

There's only about 250, maybe 300 things I've been putting off... including updating the blog as frequently as I would like. Bit torrent is my latest best friend, but when I'm running 3 or 4 torrents in unlimited mode, loading even basic webpages takes times reminiscant of the days of 128baud modems.

This weekend was my paternal grandma's 80th birthday, as anticipated the entire clan converged on Denver and took over a quaint restaurant for the celebration. I actually had a much better time than I anticipated I would, and am glad I went. In other good news, Corrie and her family left today, so the house is once again quiet and free from 7am piano recitals and brothers-in-law.

My weekend was too short, I really don't want to go to work in the morning but I don't have any excuses to not go in. If the dog wasn't so old I might try and pick on him until he got mad enough to maul me, but, if he could get that worked up anymore he'd probably give himself a stroke or something. Guess that's just the way life goes.

Timid Woodland Critters

2006-03-02T01:12:00.000-07:00

So, I finally ventured out of the house tonight. It was the first time I've gone out since before I went to Virginia. An old friend of mine finally taunted and pressured and hit me with enough guilt to knock me out of my little anti-social trend. Sorry I've been lax in updating things here, too, I'm not sure how closely related the two are, but I'm sure there's some corrolation. I had a great time, hung out at a coffee shop I never knew existed right in the middle of old town that was completely devoid of people I knew (aside from the friend who invited me out), which was nice because the more I think about it, the less I want to associate with almost all of my friends from the last 10 years. A few notable exceptions, Paul and Stacy, I couldn't handle not being able to call them up at any hour of the night just to ask what their plans for the weekend are. Speaking of, I really need to hang out with them, I haven't seen either for more than about 3 minutes since I left for Virginia. Ec, the guy who through repeated phone calls and sarcasm managed to get me to leave the house for somethin other than work. It's really cool that somebody here values me enough to not let me just hermit myself away, even though we hadn't hung out much in the last year or two, I hope to start seein him more regularly. And Edward, though our schedules regularly conflict, and we often disagree, I can't not like the guy. He's like a little brother to me, and as infrequently as I talk to my real younger sibling, he might as well be family. If you're a FoCo local and aren't on that extremely short list, don't assume I never want to speak to you again until you try, or, I bump in to you somewhere in town and ask you to not bother calling me. If you're reading this it isn't likely I want to sever all ties to you, I'm just tryin to get a reaction. :P

In other, slightly less melodramatic news, this weekend is my Grandma Kramer's 80th birthday, and the entire clan's coming home to celebrate. It's always such a treat seeing my extended family, I just hope I can remember everyone's name.

Uhhhh

2006-02-26T03:32:00.000-07:00

A lesson learned. I don't make tasty margaritas... but damn they're potent. Three little ones have left me barely able to type. Sorry I've been slacking on the blog. Basically I've spent the last week or so wallowing in self pity and was too busy to trouble you all with it. Those I haven't talked to in a while, I miss you and hope you're all doing well, to those I have, I'm glad we're able to stay in contact despite distances, schedules, and other conflicts that would conspire to seperate us.

Anyway, I'm gonna go watch T.V. and try to sober up enough to lay down... Later.

Scandal!

2006-02-19T23:27:00.000-07:00

My parents spent the weekend down in Denver feeding some youth group retreat. In their off time they hung out with Grandma K, my dad's mom. Nothing unusual, they see her at least once a month. However, when they returned tonight, they had some souvenirs with them. Two quilts made for my grandma when she was a child, some afghans, a basket full of other random stuff, including a heritage book, which proclaimed to contain history of our family from the middle ages on. The first stop was the thick tagboard page in the middle which has the family crest printed on it. It's the first time I've seen the Kramer heraldry, I was a bit curious to see it. The family crest on my mom's side has always been a bit of a joke around the dinner table, it's literally a log with a fist growing out of it.

The Kramer crest however is much more lavishly appointed, with curls and eagles surrounding a lion with three pomegranates framing the bottom. And chevrons. All done in blue and gold. My mom got a look at it a minute or two before I did, so, while I was still taking in the heraldry she started to laugh and said, "You guys are French! I knew there was something wrong with you!"

Confused, I rushed my eyes to the bottom of the page where a detailed description of the crest was. My eyes caught something that looked possibly French, it definitely wasn't German. Before I could register what was going on my dad defensively slapped the book shut and proclaimed, "We are not."

My mom teasingly pressed the subject and my dad got extremely defensive. I still don't know what was going on, but you can rest assured I'll find out at the earliest time I can get the book away from my dad. I assume it said something about our family originating in France, but living in Germany long enough to be considered Deutsch... It would be a killing blow to my already vague and pathetic sense of cultural heritage if that isn't the case. Kramer is a German name, but, there's always been some debate over how much our name changed when that part of the family came over to the States in the mid-late 1800's. It was before the big Ellis island immigration rush of the 20th century, but, I don't think by much. I can't wait to investigate this!

2006-02-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Sports commentators are stupid. In regards to a boardercross race in the olympics, I just heard one of the idiots with a microphone say 'Ooooh, Frieden takes the lead, ya know, if she can maintain that lead she'll find she wins this race.'

>.<

Holy shit. We pay these people.

2006-02-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

Yay it's Friday. I have to run to get to the bank to get cash for the weekend, plus I wanna pick up Flyleaf's CD. They're pretty promising, I like the three or so songs I've heard on the radio. I think this'll be the first CD that I've bought for myself in at least two years, if not more. >.< Wow. The last cd I bought for myself was the cowboy bebop complete ost box set. Anyway, off I go. Might get a bottle of booze and hide in my room all weekend, if I do you'll hear lots more from me. ;)

And now for something completely different.

2006-02-16T02:15:00.000-07:00

When I was on my little mini-vacation to Virginia, by far the coolest thing I got to see aside from the aircraft carrier with all the fighter jets on deck for parade as we were landing in Norfolk, was the Peninsula Fine Arts Center. It's a small gallery that only had 2 main exhibits and a third exhibit lining the hallway between the gift shop and the restrooms. The main exhibit was on strobe-flash photography, which was neat, but, I saw it more as applied science than fine art. Studies on the effects of a bullet passing through balloons, or the human body in motion. The secondary exhibit, which had one piece, "The Scream" in a darkened alcove immediately inside the front entrance, then two more such kinetic sculptures in the back in a larger darkened room. The sculptures were all by Gregory Barsamian, and if you've never heard of him, I highly recommend following that link to his website. It has some cool flash movies of several of his sculptures, including "The Scream", but not the other two that were at the PFAC. Make sure you have pop-up blocking software disabled when you go to his sight, you won't get any advertisements, I promise. ;)

How his sculptures work is... well, described on his sight. Basically he uses a specifically timed strobe to create 3D animation. The sculptures are right in front of you, you can feel the breeze they put off as they spin at high rpm. If it wasn't for little glow-in-the-dark ropes that keep you about 4 feet away from them, I probably would've broken one reaching out to touch it. They're very mesmerising, as he claims, they kind of put you in a surreal dream state where the laws of physics shatter and everything you know of the world hides away in the back of your mind.

I'm sad that his other two PFAC exhibit sculptures aren't on his website. One was cute, a series of postcards depicting bizaare and macabre things, like people falling into the grand canyon and New York city being enveloped in a mushroom cloud. The other was so cool and powerful I can barely recall how it actually was, so, let me try to seperate my impressions from my actual memories. A 4 foot or so tall madona stood transfixed and unmoving while a pair of hands opened a book which flapped and flew away from the hands as they opened it. Above the Marian figure's head disembodied hands caught the book and tore it to shreds. I think. Between the heat and humidity and overwhelming sensory input I can't remember correctly. If you're ever in the south-eastern corner of Virginia, definitely head to Newport News and take in the PFAC, on the mainland side of the rivers of Hampton Roads it's the only thing worth seeing. That I was taken to see at least. I really wanted to go to the beach and get some fresh crab cakes, but, what can ya do? I should've gotten a rental car. ^_^

2006-02-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today was so long. I'm exhausted. Feeling additionally worn out now that all the crises and emergencies have seemed to end, and I've had a chance to breathe. I wanna just crawl into bed and ignore the world for a little while, so, that's what I'm gonna do. Sleep is the best medicine for abandonment. When I wake up I'll be able to focus on you friends who haven't thrown me aside. But, like I said, tonight I'm going to be selfish and retreat.

Component Entertainment

2006-02-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

So, I finally managed to get my dvd player and ps2 hooked up to the little tiny dorm-sized tv down here with the help of my old vcr! So, I lost stereo sound, but, I think that's ok, cause I think the tv only has one speaker, right front in the middle. I'm happy that I don't have to divide my monitor into another sub-section, though, maybe if I wanna watch 2 or 3 things at once...

Organization

2006-02-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

Aww, I moved my computer away from my bed. :( It's ok cause I couldn't read my monitor while I was laying with my head at the head of the bed anyway. I hooked up my speakers, back in september(?) my friends Paul and John bought me some really nice headphones, because they were sick of my computer's tiny little sound system deafening them. The only problem is, no matter how nice, headphones hurt my earlobes, give me headaches and other obnoxious problems. So, like I said I hooked my speakers back up. I should've remembered to make sure the sound was all the way down, but, oops. I don't think I woke anyone up above me, haven't heard any angry stomping heading my way. Probably just scared 'em too bad and they have no idea where the noise came from. ^ ^

Closure

2006-02-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

So, it's done. I gave Dave my house key and picked up the last of my stuff, a dresser and three folding chairs, and now I'm free. It's nice, the situation there had been weird for... well, the couple of months since Dave's girlfriend cheated on him to get him to break up with her and he started using me as his emotional punchingbag. I feel very peaceful right now, like it's hard to maintain my motivation. I'm sure in a day or two I'll be back in gear, but, right now I feel like I deserve a break. That's why I doubt I'll unload the dresser and chairs for a few more hours at least. I'm basking in the ending of that long, drawn out situation. It's kind of nice seeing the majority of my worldly possessions piled in boxes taking up what space they can. I need to go through and throw a lot of stuff away or donate it to habitat for humanity or goodwill or whatever. I guess it's because I don't own my own home, but, I don't like having so much stuff. For just such hypothetical reasons as: roommate freaks out inexplicably and tells you to be out of the house in 19 days. Jeez, never actually thought something like that would happen, but, I'm glad I kept around all the boxes I used to move in back in August. Anyway, pairs free skate is on. Don't tell anyone I like to watch figure skating, ok? ^ ^

Relaxing

2006-02-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

Weekends rule. I'm sad this one's already over. I got about half of my moving done. I wanted to be completely done, but, I've got two more weeks before I -have- to have everything out of the old place. I plan on bein done by Tuesday, but we'll see how that actually works out. I didn't want to move my monstrously heavy TV downstairs, so, we made a nook for it to live in the garage, but, the little TV down here in my room doesn't have any inputs aside from a single coax jack, so, my dvd player and ps2(which gets used as a back-up dvd player) are just dust collectors for the time being. At least I have a dvd-rom, so, I can still watch movies or anime when I want to.^ ^

Slacking

2006-02-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

Ehm, oops. I slept all day. Dropped the A-Z lyrics for LyricsFreak in the sidebar(no popups, better organization, cleaner page, not obnoxious colors ^ ^).

Haven't written anything. Haven't touched my camera. Didn't do any moving or anything today, at least I can get away with it. I'll be productive tomorrow. For now, back to sleep. :)

Environmental Management

2006-02-09T23:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't have to clean the house this weekend. On our lunch break, as it was ending, and I was walking out the door to drive back to work, Dave stopped me with an urgent message he was supposed to give me from his parents (our landlords). They want me to vacate the house by March 1st.

That's a fucking awesome message to get on February 9th.

So, refusing to panic I continued on my way back to work and made some phone calls. Rather than spend almost three weeks in a house I'm not welcome in (Dave's delivery made it pretty obvious this was his decision, he's been blaming his personal problems on me since his girlfriend left him and moved back to california, being sick of being the brunt of his scapegoating), I've retreated to my parent's house on the outskirts of town, and have reclaimed my old territory of 'The Basement' until I can get my own place, probably mid April, maybe not until the June apartment rush if I'm really unlucky.

All I have to say is one word:
FUCKROOMMATES

I feel better, don't you?

Correction

2006-02-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

After watching TV tonight I retract most of the comments I made earlier deploring the state of cleanliness in my house. It still grosses me out, but, there are no bugs, rodents, mold, food, or other health risk piled anywhere. Eww, I can't describe this place on TV that had a roach infestation. We've had one spider in the house, it was huge, and came in from the garden, other than that, I suppose it really just resembles a messy guy place, not a place below third-world standards.

Now I feel better.

In other news, my roommate's puppy has a benign tumor on his side, it's getting big quickly (i.e. three days ago it was a bump, typical mole size, today it's around gumball size). The veterinarian doesn't want to operate, and we're progressing under the assumption that it'll just fall off... or something. It doesn't seem to cause him any pain or irritation, he'll let you poke it and squeeze it all day without flinching, and we've only caught him chewing on it once. I think it was just coincidental that he was chewing on his bump, the dog seems to chew on any bodily protrusion that gets too close to his mouth. Really, he'll chew on anything that gets too close to his mouth. It took months to break him of chewing as a sign of affection. I really wish the vet had just decided to knock the dog out and slice the damn thing off, it grosses me out.

Mixing

2006-02-08T02:16:00.000-07:00

Dave's discovered an interesting 'I can't sleep' remedy.

Take 3 or 4 scoops of powdered countrytime lemonade, 6 oz. water, 2 oz. tequila

mix together in a standard size drinking glass, enjoy.

It tastes like... lemonade that really wishes it were a margarita, but, I can't taste the tequila. Now to sit back and see if it softens my nerves enough to sleep.

CSS

2006-02-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna have to fiddle around in the code for the blog to resize stuff, accomodate the new map java script thingy in the entertainment sidebar. Plot yourself! I don't think it can handle international stuff, maybe though. That would be very cool. Right, I was going to bed... later!

Living conditions

2006-02-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

Imagine, if you will, a bachelor pad of some repute, where non-bachelors come to evade their female-types. A magical land full of computers, TV's, stereos, alcohol and caffeinated beverages. A place with no women to ever tell the boys to do their chores. Never-neverland in a more urban, modern environment.

Now imagine that magical refuge's bathroom.

Yeah. Well, it only took me about 30 minutes to clean the hell out of it. I mean really, really clean the hell out of it. I delivered a righteous beatdown to the grime growing around places where water once traveled. And now, so help me god, that bathroom with stay in its pristine condition or I will scrub it with someone's goatee next time. I can't begin to describe what level of filth it takes to make me freak out and clean something. Third world countries would condemn conditions as reproachable long before I lifted a finger.

Next stop is the kitchen, but, since it's a large kitchen it's going to take me at least 2 hours to clean it, probably all day factoring in dishes. Trying to wrangle my roommate into helping is useless, he's so despondent lately I don't know how to reach him, let alone coerce him into putting effort in to anything. I'll do the kitchen this weekend.

For the record it's really obnoxious having to take care of myself, let alone an entire house. When I move out of here it's going to be into a small apartment, and friends will only be allowed to visit for 5 minutes while I gather my things for us to leave (thus circumventing them from laying waste to the delicate balance of keeping my own place clean I imagine I'll employ). That is unless I win the 200-and-some-million dollar powerball jackpot. In which case I'll build a zepplin and hire a crew that includes maintenance people to clean up for me. They won't have clearance to the death ray deck though, that's for henchmen and kidnapped scientists only.

Anyway, I'll leave plotting world domination until tomorrow, I still can't sleep right, but, I need to give it a chance.

Physical recovery

2006-02-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm worn out from all the traveling I did this weekend, still. I love flying, but, I don't love sitting cramped in coach between two people. They obviously weren't considering people over 6 feet tall when they decided how many seats to smash into an airplane. A few of the seats made me feel pressured laterally, too. It made me glad I'm scrawny, if I was at all plump I would've been compacted beyond tolerable dimensions.

A long week

2006-02-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

And it ends without me getting a break before starting the next one. Fuckin JOY. Ok, sorry bout the sarcasm and self pity. Really, I had fun this weekend, and, I got an answer to the question that drove me to hop a couple airplanes and shoot myself 1600 miles away from home.

Before I let your imaginations go to far, I'm claiming this as a trip of self-discovery. I learned alot about human beings, and I did learn some things about myself. I might elaborate later, right now I'm still trying to get caught up from 3 days without net access. o.O

2006-02-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

I know when I'll be back. Sunday night. Talk to you guys then.

Exploration

2006-02-02T01:58:00.000-07:00

For the first time in... I don't know, weeks I guess, I woke up and I didn't feel guilty. I'm relieved that phase seems to be over. To those who got caught in the line of fire, I'm sorry. It's normally my policy to avoid collateral damage at any cost, but, desperate times call for desperate measures. If there's any question, it was a desperate time.

It's just a smidgen over 24 hours until I have to hit the road to get to the airport in time to make my flight for my mini-vacation. What am I going to find out east? Who knows, right now I don't really care what I find. Unlike the traditional explorers, I'm not adventuring to find a shorter route to a destination, nor am I seeking some geographical singularity or artifact.

I go forward simply because that is the direction I have to go. I can't look back, can't think too much about how I got where I am. All I can do is keep my eyes on the horizon and watch unflinchingly for what awaits. That is one way I find comfort. Think it's weak or cowardly if you will, but, I dare you to face the unknown without the security and defenses you've built up and dug in behind. I have fears and doubts, but, I refuse to let those determine how I live. I let my fear of hurting others and being hurt by others control me, it was a mistake.

So am I more wise now than I was yesterday? That I don't know, but, I do know that every step I take forward, every seemingly insignificant inch gained is towards where-ever it is that I'm trying to go. It must seem like I care less about people than ever before, but, if you ever believed anything I said, believe that isn't true. This is my fair warning, this is my flashing yellow light for all of you I feel for.

...

2006-02-01T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today was weird. I almost felt peaceful. Not quite, but, over all an improvement of the last few weeks. I bet I'll feel even better after I've slept. Later.

Survival

2006-02-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'll be home today, at least, I doubt I'll be home long enough to update anything.

Recovery

2006-02-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

If you couldn't tell, I'm a little... all over the place right now. I can't make any apologies. Right now I can't even explain why. All I know is I won't break her heart any more.

I'm sick.

Entertainment

2006-02-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

Your element is Darkness. You are the truly evil

one with a black heart and no soul. People avoid you since you cause so much trouble and

enjoy seeing others in pain. You would like nothing more than to rule this earth and be

hailed by all. Everyone is annoying and stupid anyway and are a waste of oxygen. You

are probably a cast-away from society and family and have had a tough life where you

learned to live the hard way. Now you want revenge on your pain and can no longer feel

love nor care. You do not wish to befriend anyone and you certainly do not wish to be in

love. As a student of having learnt everything the hard way, you tend to be

manipulative when you want something for yourself. In your head there is only you

that matters, and why shouldn't it? No one cares about you so why should you? In school

you probably ditch classes and go somewhere else instead of sitting in a classroom. It is

not that you are stupid, because you're probably very smart, but everyone annoy you.

And having to sit in the same room, breathing the same air as your enemies is not desired

by you.

What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't think that's fair at all. I wonder how the results will change if I modify my final answer...

Your element is Light. Your heart is pure and

shining with love. You believe in the goodness of those around you and give almost

everyone a smile. You are not the kind to hide your happiness and tend to smile all day

long, both in and out. But when sadness hits you, you become very devastated and may be

upset for quite some time. What you need in your life is friends, friends who will love

you unconditionally, like you love them. But you have a naive nature and don't always

notice when someone is trying to hurt you. Some would say you are oblivious to mean

people, which makes you an easy target. However, your true friends will probably be

there for you and save you. In school you are either the popular one or the little weird

one. It all depends if "the higher people" find your caring side irritating

or not. Nevertheless, you have a bubbly personality and are social. Big partys may

not be your thing since you want bonding time with your friends, so slumber-partys fit you

more. You like the happy things in life and like everyone else to be as happy as you are.

What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
brought to you by Quizilla

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha
hehe these personality quizes almost distract me from hating myself. Almost. I think I like these quizes because I like seeing what other people think of us as a species. I do like how one little answer creates a paradox. That's very typical of my life.

2006-02-01T04:21:00.000-07:00

You are sad because of your grief

Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people
brought to you by Quizilla

Too bad almost all of it is self inflicted. ^ ^

One step forward

2006-02-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

Why do we do the things we do? How can it be justified in our minds to do things so irrational? So baseless. I don't understand what purpose emotions have when they force us to behave in ways we cannot describe, or even really understand. Two hours hasn't netted any more words, so, I'm going to give up for now.

Concession

2006-01-31T01:54:00.000-07:00

And maybe I'm just wrong on all accounts. I'm so reactionary these days.

Passing the time

2006-01-31T01:02:00.000-07:00

I slept a bit longer than I thought I would, which is good. I probably would have slept a full cycle, or maybe even all night if my roommate and his dog hadn't gotten into a loud fight. I tried to get back to sleep, but, even though I feel tired, it was no good. Oh well.

Strongbad always cheers me up.

I feel very trapped and cornered right now. I feel a bit of anxiety at my immobility. It's on a molecular level, maybe atomic, like the electrons in my body are protesting their orbits. I wish I were like water, and could flow into any shape I desired, but, I'm stuck in this human form. Stuck in this human world. The only thing that makes it survivable are the handful of other stuck humans that I identify with.

Ever curious though, I wonder what could make one stuck human try to vanish from another when they seemed to have such a great connection. Fear, I suppose, is a great motivator. That or stuck humans are more disgusting than even I thought they were. We can be such a despicable species. I'm my own best example.

I spent a solid year, a little closer to 380 days, actually, with my head buried so I wouldn't have to look at the microcosm I had created around me. A year hiding from myself. When I finally pulled my head out of the dirt, the world was much more beautiful than I remembered. I had managed to forget why I shut myself away from reality. I had managed to find some pathetic means of coping.

I've since made some decisions, which is very uncharacteristic of me.

I just hope that I'll have uncharacteristic courage and be able to face the results of my decisions.

I would welcome death, but, I have too much guilt to deal with as is, so the terrorist nazi transvestite eskimos will have to wait to kill me at least until I get everything else situated, fixed, or at least examined.

In the past few weeks, about 5 people have told me I need to quit beating myself up. I'm trying, I really am. I just don't know if I want to live in a world where I'm not the bad guy. I've hated myself for so long, how can I just throw down my whipping rod and raise the white flag and forgive the only enemy I've ever had? I'm more than a little skeptical of that bastard whenever he whispers to me about peace.

I just don't know.

Getting through the day

2006-01-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

Holy cow I made it. Today was... it was a day. But, I made it through only falling asleep on my feet once, and without breaking down into tears or wretching my guts out. That actually sounds like a pretty weak accomplishment, but, I'm proud. I'm going to go for a well deserved sleep, which, if this week is like last week will be 30-60 minutes of sleep, then I'll be up till 5-7 am tomorrow and get up for work at 7:45.

Complaining

2006-01-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

It's my lunch break. I still have to work for 4 more hours when I get back. I want to go to sleep. It's not faaaaaaaiiiiir!

Expression II

2006-01-30T05:31:00.000-07:00

I want to scream, I've got all this pent up frustration that needs a release, but, people are still sleeping, so, no screaming. Not yet anyway.

I happen to be listening to a great song. Radiohead 'There There'. The lyrics and rhythm and timing and harmony and... well, the whole song just feels kind of appropriate to me right now.

Expression

2006-01-30T02:45:00.000-07:00

I don't want to write. I don't feel words right now. I don't want to draw, I've never been able to translate my thoughts into lines. I want to shoot photos. But it's almost 3 am. I should bundle up and head out into the cold with my camera, but, I've done so little low-light shooting I'm not sure it'd be worthwhile. I want a digital camera so I don't have to drive around and wait for someone else to mess with my negatives to find out if any of the shots I took got what I wanted them to. Hooray, this is a short week at work, because I'm going to Virginia on Friday. Right now I can barely remember why. It almost seems like this trip has gone from pursuing a question to fufilling an obligation. That's fucked up, and, I'm an ass. I need to create something before I start destroying things.

Self Identification II

2006-01-30T01:29:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I was hanging out with my parents. They are the definition of cool old people. Well, aging, they're not old yet. They both have a knack for having open minds and knowing what needs to be said, so, they wind up being my counselors more often than either probably realizes. For those of you who haven't met my parents, I could spend pages and pages trying to describe them to you, which I'm not going to do. Sorry.

So, anyway, Saturday night. My folks and I were lounging around their den(which is much more comfortable now that it's brown and earthy colors instead of pink) drinking various liquors. Our conversation meandered across diverse topics, as they always do, ranging from theology and morality to political events, from music history to ways to make toast taste better. In an at least half-drunken whimsy, I mused out loud that I was disgusted by the level of racism still prevalent in society, and wondered how it could perpetuate itself continually. Towards the end of my mini-rant, I exasperated, "I don't feel white, how could I hold it against someone that they weren't white?"

My father grinned slightly like this was a topic of discussion he had known would come some day, but, it was my mother who spoke up.

"That's because you aren't white." She caught me off guard, since I was looking at Dad, "At least, you don't have a white heritage. I was always jealous of my friends who were Italian, or Polish, or German when I was growing up. It always seemed like they had such a place, a home they belonged to. I never had that."

"I don't feel jealous as much as disgusted." I turned around to face her, "I think it's wrong to maintain little circles designed to keep other people out."

"Maybe it's some kind of evolutionary protective mechanism." Mom grinned and finished off her white russian.

"Well, maybe it's just the way you guys raised us(my sister and me) listening to Mo-town and jazz and blues, and feeding us enchiladas and nachos every chance you had. I feel American, and, I think that's better than being white." I somehow got out around a fresh mouthful of triscut crackers and rum.

"It's good to know we did something right."

All conversations subject to artistic license associated with alcohol consumption

Coping with sleep disorders

2006-01-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

So, after this weekend, I'm led to believe that I'm not going through real insomnia these last days, but, something else I've experienced before, where my body switches into nocturnal mode. Two days in a row now I've slept at least 8 hours, just, from the mid morning to mid or late afternoon. Obnoxious. Work is going to be rough, like every Monday.

Miami Ink's been playing in the background for at least the last two hours, and my roommate just made a comment that got me to chuckle.

"Tattoo artists are the bartenders of the art world." -Dave

Yes, yes they are. I didn't like being a bartender, maybe that's why I've never had any desire to be a tattoo artist? Well, maybe that's a part of the reason. ^ ^

Self Identification

2006-01-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

My friend Heather had some fun stuff linked on her page today, what with it being the Lunar New Year and all. Chinese Zodiac always makes me grin. This one was alot closer on the close things than any I can remember reading before. Here's some excripts from Sheep, why don't they ever call it Ram? :( Anyways, some of the ones that made me laugh:

Sheep like to set their own hours and will not tolerate too much discipline.
Sheep need somebody to discipline them, though, in order to utilize their talents. They usually find someone to look after and care for them.

Good fortune smiles upon the sheep. They benefit from wills and inheritances. Even in the roughest of times, the Sheep always acquire the basic needs. Sheep get their own way without force or violence. They have that passive endurance that drives you mad. Eventually they wear you down with their pleas.You just can't break them!

Sheep overspend and should avoid dealing with money. They find it hard to be practical and would love a life of luxury and ease. Ugly things will depress Sheep. They hate to displease anyone especially their loved ones. They will edge around an issue rather than take a firm stand. Difficulties are a delicate issue with Sheep. They are too sensitive and often overreact. Reassure them often.
Romance is a part of the Sheep's being. Moonlight and roses, soft music and candlelight will get them every time. They tend to view the world through rose-colored glasses. Sheep do not usually have to work hard. Good things just happen naturally. They need bright, airy surroundings and excel in creative fields. Appreciation of their talents make Sheep glow, and with encouragement, they can go far in life

Hehe, not me at all... yeah right. ^ ^ What that sight has to say about Virgos didn't feel very close to me at all, except the first line and the favorite colors. What a shame, of course, I'd be more than a little freaked out of astrology was anything more than entertainment. :) I don't believe in fate or predestination or destiny, at least, not in the traditional senses. I like believing in free will and whatnot.

Memory usage

2006-01-29T01:55:00.000-07:00

There was something extremely relevant and poignant that I was going to post this afternoon, but, before I did, my parents showed up and asked me if I wanted to go out for a movie and dinner, so, whatever I had to say, I have now totally forgotten. I offer you a public service announcement instead. Sorry. ^ ^

PSA:
Drugs are bad, obey the burrito

Writing verse

2006-01-28T05:06:00.000-07:00

Right. One of my rules, don't write verse that's intended to convey an intense emotion when you're still in the moment causing the emotion. I had slacked off on this rule, and, tonight am getting a keen lesson on why I decided to make that a rule in the first place. If I had to guess, I'd say about 6000 words made it to the screen, thankfully I was writing directly to text rather than on paper, I would've easily wasted a tree with incoherent ramblings, incomplete thoughts, a couple pages of just one word written over and over again.

It also doesn't help that my body is exhausted but my mind isn't ready to retire just yet. Right now my peripheral vision is full of little twinkling and light bursts, my optic nerves siding with the rest of my body in the rising mutiny for sleep. So, I'm going to go lay down. I'll likely be up in a few minutes, but I should at least try.

Putting things down

2006-01-28T02:17:00.000-07:00

Why is it that some times, the harder you try to get out of a rut, the deeper you mire yourself?

The more you try to move forward, you find yourself looking back?

The tighter you try to hold something, the faster it fades away?

Why the fuck do I move in these reciprocal cycles of denial? It's so negative. Sometimes I really wonder how I can be so cruel, especially to myself. There's a bit of self-pity. Make a mental note, you won't catch me being sorry for myself very frequently.
This is not the sensation I am looking for. I do not find any pleasure in this. Is it possible that I'm being honest to myself? Can my reality be this fucked up that contradictory events can exist in my realm simultaneously?

I don't even know where I am right now. I'm lost, drifting without a rudder.

It's times like these I really despise myself. I'm gonna go try to get some sleep.

Hygiene

2006-01-28T01:54:00.000-07:00

It's been time for a long time. But now, I have irrefutable proof that it is now past time to buy new barbells for my nipples. They switch the standard for threading on body piercing jewelry a few months after I had my piercings done. What does this mean? Well, it means that new standard balls won't sit properly on my old standard barbells, and, no matter how hard you try, how frequently you remember to tighten your jewelry, it is inevitable that you will loose a ball. I've been without a ball on the right side for... I dunno... Months now. Aside from the first time I noticed it was ball-less, it hasn't been an issue, so, I've been lazy and haven't gotten new barbells.

That all changed yesterday.

It was a routine shower. I was mostly done scrapping the layers of dust and sawdust from work off my body, when I noticed my nipple didn't provide a bit of resistance to my wash cloth as it passed over. A quick glance revealed my fear to be reality. MY BARBELL WAS GONE! Nooooooo!

So, fighting off panic(which I'm pretty good at), I quickly turned my attention to the plug hole, mental images of watching the threaded end of my barbell vanishing through the small grate in the bottom of the bathtub. My visual inspection was failing to notice anything in the water aside from soap bubbles, when I felt something cold slide against my stomach and heard a sharp click as my barbell hit the tub floor. It had been stuck through my wash cloth! Now it was a race as the stainless steel shaft tumbled chaotically towards the plug hole, and I tried to not slip and bust my skull open on something while moving to intercept it. Dramatically water sprayed about, and in slow motion, my hand crossed the distance before the piece of metal. Like a snake striking a helpless mouse, I snatched what was mine from the bottom of the basin, and bellowed triumphantly as I held my prize to the heavens for the gods themselves to see!

Ok, so, I bent over and picked it up, but, I woulda been pissed if it had gone down the drain. :P So, next week, haircut, camera, mineral tubes for my nipples.

O.C.D.

2006-01-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm just not cut out for O.C.D., no matter how fun I think it could be. I get bored to easily, and don't have the motivation to keep up something meaningless. I shouldn't complain, I suppose, idlest I don't have to worry about going insane when the empty sugar packets are spread around the table, instead of rolled up nicely into the empty creamer cups(Poor, poor Paul). I wish I had some links or pictures to accompany that statement, so, I suppose I'll have to write out a short history.

My friend Paul, who I met back in the days of spending endless hours at IHOP with about 50-odd other kids around my age from all over town, used to always roll up any empty sugar packets and stuff them into an empty creamer cup, and then stack any other empty creamer cups under the one with the little paper rolls sticking out of it. After about a year, I finally realized that he was doing it intentionally. So, the next time he got up to relieve himself(usually around cup 6 or 7, so, many empty packets and cups were assembled), I separated the components of his project and scattered them around the table. Without blinking, he resumed conversation, and, retrieved every piece littering the table and reassembled the monument to mental health.

Of course, this led to more experimenting, and, after about the third time, Paul realized that I was undoing all his compulsory construction, and began saying "You fucker." as part of his routine.

That was about 7 years ago, and I still think this is about the greatest 'coffee sport' I've found to date. ^ ^

Time fluxuations

2006-01-26T17:19:00.000-07:00

My mind's having trouble finding a reliable way to percieve time today. Seemingly without cause seconds barely drag by, then in the blink of an eye an hour has passed. I feel more level at least. I walked around the warehouse at the end of work today and took some shots with my phone-camera just to practice framing and all those techniques I haven't used in too long. I just ate a bad-ass rueben from Choice City Deli. It's the only real butchershop I know of in town, and their sandwiches beat the crap out of subway.

I still can't sleep

2006-01-26T02:50:00.000-07:00

Is this gonna just continue until the weekend after next? I hope not. I dislike sleep, but, I still need it. Though, I didn't try to go to bed earlier tonight, so, hopefully I'll be able to rack out soon and get some meaningful sleep.

I still feel weird. Too weird to be comfortable. Too much like something is missing, or maybe present but just not functioning. The nights recently have been hard. Very unbalanced, neurotic, paranoid, disconnected... I think maybe I'm in a depressed slump, but, not like one I've ever felt before. During the afternoon and early evening I'm ok, but, it seems like the rest of the time I'm only partially in my body. Maybe that explains this recent blood fetish I haven't been able to shake. It's very weird, I don't want to die, quite the opposite, actually. But, I want to see proof that I'm alive. Feel pain to know my body is real. Is this what masochists feel? It's scary, but, I like it. And, hell, as long as I'm not huddled in the bathroom stabbing myself with a fork, it's not that bad, right? Everyone has little dark desires, just most people aren't conceited enough to talk about them.

I need to sleep, times just whipping by, which is weird because I'm not doing anything. : /

What's in a name?

2006-01-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

Well, a lot of things. I changed the name of the blog to demonstrate a new, more affirmative posture. Well, more neutral at least, not self-deprecating. The new name hopefully exemplifies my commitment to trying my hand at more aspects of life than just being a jackass. ;)

I've been in an uncomfortable state all day, barely feeling like anything is real, like I'm stuck in somebody else's boring dream world. And for the first time in my life I had a fantasy about cutting and/or stabbing myself. The idea still kinda excites me in ways that make a quiet part of my subconscious start getting ready to intervene on behalf of my body's well being. I think it's definitely time to go get pierced again. I've been toying with the idea of getting horizontal bars put through my nipples ever since I had the vertical ones done. I'm kinda liking that idea more each time I think about it, since I have no desire to have more... sensitive parts of my body pierced, nor am I interested in puncturing my ears or face, and I think surface piercings are just gross. Maybe I'll go down to the shop and get run through the day I get back from Virginia...

Maybe I want to get injured to prove that I exist, I dunno, that's about the best diagnosis I've been able to come up with today. That or I'm just going to places I've never allowed my mind to stray before. If that's the case I'm sure my life's only going to get more weird before I figure things out.

Trying to teach myself things

2006-01-25T01:45:00.000-07:00

I don't think the wee hours of the day are the best time to try to teach yourself something. I was gonna get my web developement back up to snuff so I could atleast make this more interesting to look at, but, I got distracted making graphics. I'm trying not to turn into an animate gif junkie, but, they're so fun to slap together. I almost launched into making a billion buttons and other graphics for this site, but, I managed to hold off remembering that graphical needs in a divided layer layout are way different than in a traditional html table and frame package. So, now, off to rip apart every interesting website I can find trying to absorb how these new* codes work. Hopefully I won't run into any cgi/perl. -twitch-

A cup of tea, lots of music, and theraputic graphic editing have me feeling a little better. Well, distracted, atleast. Off I go before I start to think again.

Moving is painful

2006-01-25T00:31:00.000-07:00

If I missed a link you think I should have, reply, email me, IM me, call me, whatever. I have a hard enough time thinking when I'm not trying to swap sites.

Otherwise, it looks like I won't be able to sleep right tonight again. Every time I lay down my mind gets to work and I start to feel paranoid and afraid. Unsettling, so, I'm sitting in front of the computer, again. Can't get on to WoW to get distracted, it's the middle of the night, all my friends here are asleep, all my friends on the other side of this little rock are at work.

Why does it seem like I'm trying to prevent myself from being happy?

Don't I deserve to be happy?

I've never identified with 'normal' people, but, right now I feel so... anti-normal. Unhealthy, unable to function in a way anywhere close to decently.

For now I'm going to just turn up my music loud enough to drown out my thoughts.

Moved

2006-01-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, I'm breaking away from the livejournal crappiness almost as soon as I got back into it. See the title. Now shut up. Here you'll be able to harrass me to the full extent I deserve with or without a registered account.

Hooray anonymity!

I'll be settling in shortly, until then, dance!