Exploration

For the first time in... I don't know, weeks I guess, I woke up and I didn't feel guilty. I'm relieved that phase seems to be over. To those who got caught in the line of fire, I'm sorry. It's normally my policy to avoid collateral damage at any cost, but, desperate times call for desperate measures. If there's any question, it was a desperate time.

It's just a smidgen over 24 hours until I have to hit the road to get to the airport in time to make my flight for my mini-vacation. What am I going to find out east? Who knows, right now I don't really care what I find. Unlike the traditional explorers, I'm not adventuring to find a shorter route to a destination, nor am I seeking some geographical singularity or artifact.

I go forward simply because that is the direction I have to go. I can't look back, can't think too much about how I got where I am. All I can do is keep my eyes on the horizon and watch unflinchingly for what awaits. That is one way I find comfort. Think it's weak or cowardly if you will, but, I dare you to face the unknown without the security and defenses you've built up and dug in behind. I have fears and doubts, but, I refuse to let those determine how I live. I let my fear of hurting others and being hurt by others control me, it was a mistake.

So am I more wise now than I was yesterday? That I don't know, but, I do know that every step I take forward, every seemingly insignificant inch gained is towards where-ever it is that I'm trying to go. It must seem like I care less about people than ever before, but, if you ever believed anything I said, believe that isn't true. This is my fair warning, this is my flashing yellow light for all of you I feel for.