Passing the time

I slept a bit longer than I thought I would, which is good. I probably would have slept a full cycle, or maybe even all night if my roommate and his dog hadn't gotten into a loud fight. I tried to get back to sleep, but, even though I feel tired, it was no good. Oh well.

Strongbad always cheers me up.

I feel very trapped and cornered right now. I feel a bit of anxiety at my immobility. It's on a molecular level, maybe atomic, like the electrons in my body are protesting their orbits. I wish I were like water, and could flow into any shape I desired, but, I'm stuck in this human form. Stuck in this human world. The only thing that makes it survivable are the handful of other stuck humans that I identify with.

Ever curious though, I wonder what could make one stuck human try to vanish from another when they seemed to have such a great connection. Fear, I suppose, is a great motivator. That or stuck humans are more disgusting than even I thought they were. We can be such a despicable species. I'm my own best example.

I spent a solid year, a little closer to 380 days, actually, with my head buried so I wouldn't have to look at the microcosm I had created around me. A year hiding from myself. When I finally pulled my head out of the dirt, the world was much more beautiful than I remembered. I had managed to forget why I shut myself away from reality. I had managed to find some pathetic means of coping.

I've since made some decisions, which is very uncharacteristic of me.

I just hope that I'll have uncharacteristic courage and be able to face the results of my decisions.

I would welcome death, but, I have too much guilt to deal with as is, so the terrorist nazi transvestite eskimos will have to wait to kill me at least until I get everything else situated, fixed, or at least examined.

In the past few weeks, about 5 people have told me I need to quit beating myself up. I'm trying, I really am. I just don't know if I want to live in a world where I'm not the bad guy. I've hated myself for so long, how can I just throw down my whipping rod and raise the white flag and forgive the only enemy I've ever had? I'm more than a little skeptical of that bastard whenever he whispers to me about peace.

I just don't know.