Putting things down

Why is it that some times, the harder you try to get out of a rut, the deeper you mire yourself?

The more you try to move forward, you find yourself looking back?

The tighter you try to hold something, the faster it fades away?

Why the fuck do I move in these reciprocal cycles of denial? It's so negative. Sometimes I really wonder how I can be so cruel, especially to myself. There's a bit of self-pity. Make a mental note, you won't catch me being sorry for myself very frequently.
This is not the sensation I am looking for. I do not find any pleasure in this. Is it possible that I'm being honest to myself? Can my reality be this fucked up that contradictory events can exist in my realm simultaneously?

I don't even know where I am right now. I'm lost, drifting without a rudder.

It's times like these I really despise myself. I'm gonna go try to get some sleep.